I have been wanting to write about this for a while, regular readers will have noticed that the blog took a little break around September/October time, well I say the blog when i actually mean me, see I crashed,stopped functioning became fucking useless and needed to getaway for the sake of my sanity.
I have a mental illness, actually i have had one for years and have been on medication to keep it under control which did work, like Johnathon Trott mine to is stress related, All i will say on Trotts situation is that he will receive the best care and support a person could ask for, the reason I wont say anymore is that each mental illness is unique to that person and that the treatment for that person is tailored around their individual needs and situation.
Back to me tho, my illness came on because i took on too much, to much responsibility, i made to many promises that in the end i could not keep but instead of being honest with myself and others i soldiered on because I did not want to let people down, the effects of this meant i was not able to sleep properly as i had not had time to process everything that had happened during that day, I didnt want to be a burden on my friends even tho my friends knew of my illness and have always been supportive of me, but i didnt see it that way, i was ill, stressed and almost on 100% auto pilot , just doing my best to fulfill those promises made.
So I went away for a month to refresh, to get some order back into my life, to get my head right, to use my network of friends and support, to try and win one more battle and to try and return to some sort of normality. I said "to try and win one more battle" because since was young i have been fighting and scrapping just to exist , where children expect to spend first years of their life learning, playing and being loved by loving parents mine was the opposite as i wrote here over a year ago, instead of a childhood I have this void filled by bitterness, hate, rage and pain which is aimed at one person, Me.
Now I am back and straight back into the fire, while i was away no bills got paid, i went overdrawn and everything slid. I look back at the last 6 months at see the amount of bad decisions I made, be it bad decision to do with finances to bad decisions about my own health (mental and physical) and somehow i have to clear up this mess, the mess i am 100% responsible for.
For the last two nights i have spent 2-3 hours thinking about the best way to kill myself before i have managed to get to sleep, Do I overdose? Jump in front of a train? Jump of a building? Take poison? Cut my wrists?,And then I think of the "When" "How" and choosing the one that will have the least effect on others for this is the least i can do considering the amount of misery and pain i have caused others during my existence , This is the battle I am having with myself every night and every day, this is the battle i need to win.
This is my mental illness!